 | The Saddest Thing I OwnA collection of life's saddest objects, their sad stories, and our reasons for holding onto these sad things. |
I Love Her With The Highest Love I Have Ever Known
Posted On Tuesday September 2, 2008 By Ginger MielkeMy angel and my best friend died at the age of 17. She knew she was dying and tried to tell me, but somehow, and for some reason, I was not able to see that she was preparing to leave this physical world and ascend into Heaven.
She is the single most beautiful spirit who came from God in the form of a gorgeous silver and gold haired cat. She was like a beautiful Christmas present.
She also had CRF and died of heart failure. Her kidneys and her heart did all they could for as long as they could.
The other cats in the house innately knew, as I believe that they communicated in the spiritual language that God gave them, and her two sisters seemed very much to know that the day was coming.
The day she died was like no other day I have ever experienced.
She was so strong and I was finally forced to accept my role as I whispered to her as she lay dying in the hospital [that we had rushed her to when we found her collapsed that Saturday morning].
I told her that she will always be my special angel and her beautiful face represents the innocent truth to me. Her face is what I see when I meditate on love.
That afternoon, when the Doctor called to tell my husband that our beloved Fur Child has died, my husband stood at the top of the stairs and simply said, “the Doctor called.”
I knew, and he did not have to say anymore.
I immediately felt my body tingle unlike anything I have ever felt. It was as though I was being touched by a trillion warm feathers that were stroking me. The sensation was surreal, and I felt out of my own body.
My husband and I embraced and sobbed together as we tried to cope with the enormity of her leaving us.
Although I know she was carried by heavenly Angels into God’s Kingdom where she is happy and plays with her other friends who were waiting for her arrival, I long for a second chance to do better and to perhaps have saved her somehow.
I believe strongly that the kidney and hyperthyroid auto-immune diseases were brought on by the multitude of toxic potions called vaccines that assaulted her body.
It is truly malpractice for any veterinarian to vaccinate every year without understanding that the horrific concoctions that are pushed upon the unsuspecting consumer as a vaccine is laced with dangerous immune disrupting substances such as Mercury, Aluminum, Formaldehyde, and live viruses, etc.
It is not acceptable today that domestic pets are now suffering at enormously high rates of auto-immune diseases and cancer that were unheard of before the advent of vaccines.
Healthy, raw, and organic foods and whole-food vitamins and minerals with spring water and LOTS of love are all that any family member needs to thrive.
No on should witness the wasting of an innocent body from an auto-immune disease.
I learned so much from this mistake of not knowing any better about what is truly supposed to be “health care.”
We owe it to all of the animals who have suffered, due to their bodies being overburdened with toxic chemical poisons that were originally designed to be used in warfare, to stand up and be a voice for the innocent ones who are here on earth and need our eyes to opened and our minds to seek the truth.
I will always love my beloved angel who came to me and watched me grow from a college girl into a woman, with all of the challenges in the road that I faced.
She was and is a lady of enormous beauty and elegance and grace with profound intelligence.
She is my soulmate and there is not one day that will pass that I will not talk to her and say a prayer that one day, one very fine and beautiful day, I will see her and hold her again.
This message is dedicated to all of the animals who wait in shelters needing homes. Please Adopt.
Tags: cat, child, falure, fur, heart
Mother's Day Card
Posted On Tuesday September 2, 2008 By Anthony
The saddest thing i own is the last mother’s day card i gave to my mother. The card contained a poem that said something like:
Draw a bath, light a candle
There is nothing you can’t handle
Close your eyes, dream a dream
Change your horses in midstream
Tell your feelings they’re ok
Let your soul come out to play,
Mother, in all that you do,
Take care of you.
I was taken aback by finding this card in the shop as it said exactly what i wanted to say to her in the nicest way.
I grew up thinking that not being happy about anything was normal. My mother never seemed to be happy at all. I can’t remember a single time or period growing up when I could say that she was happy. She always seemed like she wanted to be doing something else with her life and felt trapped with her situation. I tell you growing up with this mess of a mother was hard, particularly as I loved her with all my heart. I sometimes imagined life without her and it scared me to the point that I was in tears. I went from being very young and thinking that being sad all the time was normal, to being a little older (11) and thinking how can I change the way my mother is …. I wanted her to be happy so bad. I wanted her to be happy despite my own feelings of being completely sad and depressed. She used to say things like….I wish I could go out and get knocked down and killed by a truck….and the very sad thing is …. I thought this was what normal moms say….how fucked up is that!
I grew up with no self esteem. It was sometimes noticeable to others but I did all I could to hide it from people. I cried myself to sleep all the time. I was the smiliest child growing up. Smiling was like a defense mechanism for me. But inside I was dying. I didn’t want to be alive and I didn’t know why….I wanted to come to an untimely death from the time I hit my teenage years. I prayed to God to let me die. I never tried to kill myself but I hoped and prayed that I would die and it would all end.
I went through high school and got good results, but my low self esteem kept me from playing any sports, or just being a normal boy. Still no one knew of this because I kept on smiling.
I went to university because that’s what my parents thought that coming from a poor household, this would be a great achievement. I struggled through university..taking 6 years to complete….I couldn’t care less about it.
My mother kept on struggling too. The kids were all growing up and she had no one to focus on anymore. You would think that at this point she would find some stuff to keep her busy , or get a job to help us out financially but she didn’t she just stayed home and be sad. She continued saying things like ‘my life is over’ and ‘I have nothing to live for’
After university I got a job, things started going well for me…but I still carried this ultimate darkness with me wherever I went….hoping that I wouldn’t have to live for very much longer. The situation deteriorated with my mother.
I moved back home at this point, but I quickly began feeling stifled just like her. I wanted to get out of the situation. . She depended on me for everything as my dad was ill at this point (he had some mild stroke or something and stopped working in his early 50’s….i wanted to knock some sense into him as all he claimed to have was some minor memory loss..he is completely fine now)
At the age of 27 I left our family home to go abroad. I was at the point that I couldn’t take any more. I should have been dating but I felt that I couldn’t let anyone into the equation until I knew that our family life was sorted out. I felt as if I went abroad, I could get settled and then I could send for my mother….just so that she could see and experience new things (we come from a small island and it is a big deal to go abroad!). She didn’t want me to go but she didn’t stand in my way. She was sad that I was going (and fainted at the airport!) but I think she realized that I needed to make a few changes.
I went away and a month later, my mother suffered a massive heart attack at the age of 55. This surprised me as I talked to her the day before and she was fine….she seemed chatty and talked a lot….there was something different in her voice, almost like she had come to terms with me leaving. I got a flight home the next day and went straight from the airport to the hospital where she was. She looked really young and even though she was uncomfortable, she was conscious and she told me when I got there that she is ‘really ill’ I told her to stop talking and save her strength. She was in intensive care but she seemed fine to me….I didn’t grasp the seriousness of the situation I suppose. We left her that night because we all needed to talk about if she needed a pacemaker etc…and how we were going to afford it. She was in good hands we thought as one of our best family friends was the nurse on duty that night. I was prepared to come back home to take care of her if I had to. I was really exhausted from the 9 hr flight and really needed to rest. Five minutes after I lay down, the phone rang and it was our nurse family friend calling to say that we should come to the hospital. When we got there my mother had already died. One of the orderlies there said that she kept calling out for me and thought that I was him.
My world fell apart….i was not expecting this….i went into involuntary shock….i started crying and couldn’t stop but I still felt like I wanted to scream out loud for all I was worth. Where I come from it was customary to have funerals quickly after someone dies . So she died on Monday morning shortly after midnight and the funeral was to be held on Wednesday. I went to make all the arrangements on Monday with the support of my mother’s brothers. I couldn’t stop crying…I don’t know if you could even call it crying. It was like when a toddler frets about something and can do that for a while almost out of breath…it was like that. It was quite funny indeed. There I was choosing a casket and fretting, having lunch and fretting, having a conversation and fretting. It was the first time in my life that I couldn’t control my bodily functions!
Any way I digress. After the funeral I went back abroad and I’ve been here ever since. I took to grieving for my mother on my own without my other family members. I felt bad for my brother as he is 8 years younger than me….but I wanted to be alone.
My life has been filled with ups and downs since then but the one thing that has changed fundamentally is that I no longer feel like dying everyday! I still have the odd day that I feel like I want my life to end but no where near to what I was before.
I’m 35 now, married to a wonderful woman and we’re expecting our first baby this year.
I miss my mother dearly….its been 7 years since she died. I wish she could be here to share this with us. At times I just want to talk to her.
The saddest thing in my life is that my mother didn’t live to enjoy life. I sometimes wish I could go back in time to her childhood and fine tune whatever made her so unhappy…to make her happy. I know that would probably mean that I wouldn’t be here today but so what (back to the future comes to mind!)
The struggle continues but I’m doing ok.
Tags: mother
My Emerald Rock
Posted On Tuesday March 18, 2008 By Mabel
This is my rock. My husband was on active duty with the National Guard for six months. He was stationed in Colombia, South America for six months. I was really lonely those six months but I was okay because I knew he loved me. I heard from him everyday he was gone through either email or phone. He always acted like things were fine.
When he got home, he acted different. He said he was having trouble getting settled. He didn’t know what was wrong.
After three months I found out what was wrong. He found a girlfriend down there. I found a hotmail account and read all of the emails he sent her. It broke my heart. It has been two months since I found out, and I still feel like my guts are being kicked, and it takes my breath away just thinking about it. He says he can tell her things he can’t tell me. Most of the emails are about sex talk, or eventually being together. Of course, those are things he can’t tell me about. I haven’t told him I know, because I feel it will only rush the inevitable. I thought about suicide, but started crying when I realized I would be buried alone, without him by my side.
I have lost 10 pounds in the last month, and have to will myself to eat at all. I cry every day. He actually bought me emerald earrings to go with my necklace he brought me back. How could he be so insensitive to get this for a gift. Like once this was ran its course, I am going to want to wear the stupid necklace.
I have seem a lawyer to get advice. The worst part is that I think he does eventually plan on leaving, and does really love her, but he doesn’t want to world to view him for what he is.
Currently they are not emailing because he doesn’t know it but I have emails from her blocked in his hotmail account. He thinks she got tired of waiting, but still sends her emails once in awhile.
How can I go on, I love him still, I think he loves me like a relative. If he does come back emotionally to me, could I ever trust him again?
The Saddest Thing I Own is a 2005 commission of New Radio and Performing Arts, Inc., (aka Ether-Ore) for its Turbulence web site. It is supported by the Jerome Foundation in celebration of the Jerome Hill Centennial and in recognition of the valuable contributions of artists to society.
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